This Is...AmeriGAY IDOL!!!!

I know I usually start my Report Card with the onslaught of the top 12 overall, and not with the Top 12 Guys/Top 12 Girls. I decided to jump right in a little early with a brief grading because this night was too unbearable to believe - not even sure if I'll be doing so again until the final Top 12. So, with minor commentary - not my usual elongations, here’s how it went down...

Welcome to AmeriGAY Idol! The gayest season since the inaugural, where I count 4 sisters who were doing it for themselves!!!! And I won’t discount 2 others, wedding rings, huge-headed sons, or not.

Wow, did this show suck. I know, I know…I shouldn’t let semantics get in the way (a few of these guys actually DO suck, if you know what I mean). There I go again…letting my lowbrow humor get the best of me.

But can you sincerely blame me? What the hell else am I supposed to say? Considering the audition phase and the Hollywood rounds insinuated that this year it was a guy’s game to lose. If the Top 12 male performances are indicative of the rest of the season, I say let’s crown David Archuleta now and be done with it. And not because he’s any good…it’s because I can’t remember when someone’s been so uber-pimped this early in the season.

One was good (Jason Castro), one was passable (Michael Johns), one wasn’t as awful as Simon defined him (Colton Bery). But overall, this evening actually made me yearn for Josiah Leming. And THAT'S scary!

And away we go...



David Hernandez
‘Midnight Hour’
My grade: C
I assume his métier will be to start every song in a meandering decrescendo, then instantly snap into the upbeat. He did it in Hollywood, he’s doing it here. Either way, all I could think of was ‘The Commitments On Ice!’




Chikezie
‘More Today Than Yesterday’
My grade: B-
When he started, I swore he was singing the theme to ‘The Love Boat’ when Rob turned to me while doing the dishes and asked, “Is he singing the theme to ‘The Love Boat’?” Ah, I guess that’s why we’re together. His arrogance this early is a sure-fire ouster. And if you want to shorten your moniker, you better have the musical balls. You ain't Fantasia. Hell, you ain't even Cher.




David Cook
‘Happy Together’
My grade: B-
He’s gained about 15lbs since Hollywood week, which is not a bad thing in my opinion, but how soon before Simon harps on that? Too much Constantine-smarm and faux-rock machinations for me to enjoy. Oh, and balding men should never flat-iron their hair into a comb-over.




Jason Yeager
‘Moon River’
My grade: C-
Dreary, meandering, and possibly worse than Anwar Robinson’s version back in season 3. Okay, maybe not that bad, but this religious freak would make Pat Boone proud. And that’s not really a compliment. Oh, yeah - keep the kid at home. He's scaring away the viewers.




Robbie Carrico
‘One (Is The Loneliest Number)’
My grade: C+
I’ll turn to Rob for this one: “He stinks!”




David Archuleta
‘Shop Around’
My grade: C-
The pimping aside, Liza Jr. was tuneless and monotonous, but he has such an air of sweetness and inherent, genuine modesty and he’s so damned irresistible and sweet natured and bubbly that you can almost forgive his lack of vocal capacity. Almost. Actually, he's kinda creepy, really. But if you listened to this on a radio contest, without the visual, you’d all heave in horror.




Danny Noriega
‘Hound Dog’
My grade: C
Credit his not cowering in the closet, sure. But, one more performance like this and he could be this season’s Sanjaya (albeit one who could sing). That’s if he even gets another shot.




Luke Mednard
‘Everybody’s Talking’
My grade: B-
ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz




Colton Berry
‘Suspicious Minds’
My grade: B-
Not very good, but not as bad as most of the others this evening. It shocks me that Simon heaps incessant praise on David but faults Colton’s theatrics.




Garrett Haley
‘Breaking Up Is Hard To Do’
My grade: D
To have made it to the Top 24, Haley must have been astonishing…I wouldn’t know, since we’ve never seen him. And after this performance, I surmise I’ll not be seeing him again.




Jason Castro
‘What A Day For A Daydream’
My grade: B+
A pleasant surprise from this John Travolta look-alike; nothing groundbreaking or revelatory, but a polished performance.




Michael Johns
‘Light My Fire’
My grade: B
This handsome, sexy Australian will sail into the Top 12 on his looks and karaoke antics. He’s not necessarily a good singer, but he’s passable enough to make the ladies swoon and the gay men reach for their phones.


So there ya have it. Not really sure if it's wise to pre-judge this early in the competition...who knows...perhaps Archuleta Minnelli will surprise me in the coming weeks (he's yet to impress me). Perchance David Cook will prove more than a welfare Daughtry, who was a caricature unto himself. Maybe even Michael Johns will prove more than a glorified singing waiter. Only time will tell...