AI Report Card: Top 11 - A Second Beatles Night Needs "Help!"

I’ll narrow the commentary down - for now - to one sentence:

THE MOSH PIT MUST DIE.

Anyway…

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Amanda Overmeyer
Song: Back In The U.S.S.R.
My grade: C+




Are we over Overmeyer yet? While this wasn't as tragic as her Kansas number from a few weeks ago, she proceeded to belch and wheeze this silly Beatles tune like a George Romero zombie drunk on over-the-counter formaldehyde. We understand that she wants to “rock” and that “ballads are boring”, but her inherent yearn to want to sell tickets heralded Simon’s best quip yet: “Amanda, your tickets aren’t on sale yet.” Amen. It’s like the falling of a friend. If your friend were Lily Munster.

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Kristy Lee Cook
Song: You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away
My grade: D+




Telling Simon that “you know I can blow you out of your socks”, we finally have our Kristy “A-HA!” moment (thanx Oprah); I guess “blowing” is the next best thing because there’s no one better this season at “sucking”. Choosing this great tune because “it had a good title”, Cook warbles it like Kathy Lee Gifford doing a New Age tampon commercial, only Gifford would actually have faith in what she’s singing. And she’d (probably) stay in tune with her tongue in her cheek. Kristy is so catatonic, so tuneless, so dim-witted, she makes Kellie Pickler appear like the second coming of Tammy Wynette. With nary another country singer in an Alabama mile, Red State USA will probably continue the speed dialing, keeping her safe another week. I don’t know. But if there were any justice in this land of ours, the forces of nature would send her C&W dreams to the glue factory along with that damned horse she keeps prostituting.

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David Archuleta
Song: The Long And Winding Road
My grade: B+




I know it shouldn’t matter because every Idol has their infirmities when performing and/or being interviewed. But I find myself distracted by David’s ceaseless lip-licking to the point that I inadvertently start counting them – I stopped at five this week - and had to rewind the DVR and re-watch his performance, sans tongue.
Needing to fortify his past declarations, Simon used the most inaccurate phrase in his feedback to – he called it a “master class”. Those Brits and their hyperbole! This wasn’t even Archuleta’s best, let alone a masterful interpretation. As David dropped to head register and dipped to the low notes, he seemed to lose them. That type of imperfection worked on “Imagine” because his emotive power negated that flaw and morphed them into a thing of beauty. Also, here, he needlessly trilled when it wasn’t necessary. That being said, overall it was a convincing, finely nuanced performance, with Archuleta clearly rescuing himself from the travesty that was last week. So, let the popularity contest continue.

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Michael Johns
Song: A Day In The Life
My grade: C+




When will these amateurs learn that American Idol ain’t America’s Top 40 and Ryan Seacrest is no Casey Kasem (shit, he ain’t even Jean Kasem). They need to STOP treating the stage like it were their turf and suspend the dedications…I really don’t care if “A Day In The Life” was a dead friend’s favorite song or blah blah blah – save it for his friggin’ memorial service. On this stage, you need to pick a song to showcase your gifts. Hmmm, actually, if I applied this wisdom toward Johns, he wouldn’t be on this stage; he’d be costarring in the musical version of “Powertool”. This was an absurd, tuneless cut and paste con job that his gorgeousness might not be able to save – giving the Labia Nation a urinary tract infection (maybe THAT explains Paula’s hilariously inept earplug gibberish ranting). Will he land in the bottom realm? Hell, David + Bottom Anything = Fine By Me. But for Idol, a deserved bottom three. We’ll see.

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Brooke White
Song: Here Comes The Sun
My grade: B-





Woo hoo! No, that’s not me imitating Brook’s weird outburst during her tepid interpretation of this George Harrison masterpiece. That was me thanking the Idol heavens that the Crazy Lady I’ve longed for since the auditions and Hollywood rounds has seemingly resurfaced! That kooky overlapping yapping while the judges were talking to her, her spastic, mooncalf explanation and apology to the audience, her shaky-at-best little-girl-lost look when singing sans instrument, the rainbows and unicorns and pixie dust fairies!!! Okay, so I made that last part up, but, come on. You know it’s not that far off. Welcome back, Crazy Lady!

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David Cook
Song: Day Tripper
My grade: B




Reveling in Simon’s assertion that he might actually win the damn thing after last week’s Beatlemania, David feels too comfortable swerving toward a Chris Daughtry hierarchy he’s not close to ascending, especially since there hasn’t been too much diversity in his brief Idol run. But my fault isn’t with that “smugness”; who knows, it might be inherent. We know there isn’t a hint of modesty in Daughtry’s chrome dome. My main problem with Cook is that he infers his emotion by the constant need to shout, as if all Rock N Roll dreams are acquired by such. Where his “Hello” displayed a control he hasn’t since mastered, his “Day Tripper” had all the Rock star posturing of a cheesy Vh1 Classic Metal Mania weekend. Yet, it was one of the better vocals of the evening only because he didn’t veer off key and remained faithful to his beliefs - even if they were someone else’s beliefs. Yes, that’s a sure-to-be-damage-controlled controversy a-percolatin’.

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Carly Smithson
Song: Blackbird
My grade: A-




My friend Jim smacked this as cabaret (hilariously, but nevertheless); Simon shrugged it as a silly little song about a blackbird. I was kinda surprised at both these reactions because I thought Carly gave THE vocal of the evening, taking a beautifully simplistic Paul McCartney melody and restrained herself from total aggrandizement; when she did let go of that reservation, it only reflected the ethereal nature of the song and her voice. It was less Andrea Marcovicci and the Algonquin and more how I really feel that Smithson’s Idol Ann Wilson might have handled it. To me, one of the finest of this season so far. I know, I’m shocked too, being a Carly/Randy critic!

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Jason Castro
Song: Michelle
My grade: C+



‘Dread’-fully dull. David may be pretty as punch, but he lacks punch and power in his actual vocal skill, relying heavily on his goofy charm. And, obviously, stoner mentality; that whole “I thought ‘my belle’ was English, my bell, huh huh!” was a little too Jeff Spicolli for my taste; the French, a little bit too Inspector Clouseau; his pants a little too – okay, WAY too – tight (maybe he couldn’t breath?)…

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Syesha Mercado
Song: Yesterday
My grade: B+




Just when I thought that I never wanted to hear the most recorded song in history again after this nightmare, Syesha gives the second best vocal of the evening. Like Carly earlier, Mercado only inflected when necessary, and while it perhaps might have beeb a tad to self-consciously performed she never stooped to showcase diva-isms. No, there isn’t a chance of her winning this thing, but it makes a nice Cinderella story. And so does….

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Chikezie
Song: I’ve Just Seen A Face
My grade: B-




Eesh, that was weird – a half a mess. Vocally, Chikezie could out-sing most of the guys this season (with the exception of ArchuD2) but his problem has always been his evanescence; once he sings you struggle to remember just what it was he did. But last week his joviality juxtaposed with his talent and a new man was born. However xeroxing that performance is like déjà vu, and shouldn’t be replicated – that displays laziness. A little of that early-season arrogance momentarily reared its ugly head again during his critique, and that harmonica only resurrected nightmares of Taylor Hicks. Still, he deserves to actually be here, but I’m not sure what AmeriKKKa has in store. Hell, good or bad, at least he’s entertaining.

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Ramiele Malubay
Song: I Should Have Known Better
My grade: C+




She’d be one of the finest singers – if this were season 3. Unfortunately, Ramiele has proven nothing at all week after week, mewing one wobbly song after another, displaying none of her intrinsic capability. Only the possibility of a McPhee/”Over The Rainbow”-like save, I can’t imagine her lasting through next week. If she makes it past this week. Too bad, too.