Thanx for your patience with the lateness of the Report Card. When the government calls, who am I to say, “screw you!”? I only have one more day of Jury duty and then I’m free!!!
And, on with the show…
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Ramiele Malubay
Song: Heart’s “Alone” (1987)
My grade: C+
For weeks Ramiele’s advice from the judges was to pick a big song for that big voice. Well, this was a big something, alright. Simon was wrong – it WAS that bad. Performing it Jessica Simpson-style by cooing it like a seduction tactic, she then bolsters to a banshee-like wail while never hitting a single correct note, hurdling toward earth and crash landing in the middle of Area 51. This was dreadfully wrong, and even the back-up singers couldn’t save her (and I still swear it was they who saved Carrie’s from total catatonia).
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Jason Castro
Song: Sting’s “Fragile” (1987)
My grade: C+
Not sure just who is keeping this kid in the running, but methinks it could be the Cheech & Chong Fan Club. Not only does Castro always appear to be lit, but I though he was going to tip over the stage while Ryan was interviewing him. Maybe he was dozing after his own soporific performance, because I almost did. It’s easy to understand why Castro chose a Stink…uh, I mean Sting…song, especially one this lethargic (and Sting’s catalogue could help bankrupt Ny-quil); it’s because there’s no vocal skill required. Mimicking does fine, thank you, and Castro sat there strumming along as if he were at a beach blanket bingo.
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Syesha Mercado
Song” Stephanie Mills’ “If I Were Your Woman” (1987)
My grade: B+
That she’s a good singer is not really debatable. Her problems lie in her money shots – when she sails to a higher register, it’s not always so smoothly as she tends to falter off key. But in her middle and lower range, she sounds beautiful. While this was a stellar performance, as Randy stated, it wasn’t a Fantasia moment (I have a high Diva standard, sorry).
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Chikezie
Song: Luther Vandross’ “If Only For One Night” (1985)
My grade: B
As Whitney should be to aspiring female Idols, Luther must be off-limits to any male Idol wannabe not named Ruben. This is a glorious song, and I wanted this to be Chikezie’s equivalent to Elliott’s “A Song For You” because Chikezie is technically the best male vocalist of this season. Alas, while Chikezie tried his best, it still might not be good enough – a concurrent theme during his Idol stay. Or, maybe I’m just partial to this ultimate duet version…
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Brooke White
Song: The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” (1983)
My grade: B
I licked my lips (like Archu!) in anticipation when it was announced that she was going to take on the Police’s stalker anthem. I mean, she being the resident Crazy Lady I love, I was hoping for something foreboding, sorta like when Queen Kook Tori did this:
Instead, I was (mis?)treated with the Sunday schoolmarm-with-a-guitar (only this time, it was a piano) lullaby version, sucking all the darkness out of the lyrical content. The band chiming in at the midway point helped lose its promised luster. Still, I wouldn’t trade Brooke for all the pixie dust in Xanadu. I just hope, win or lose, someone picks this chick for the new millennium version of my childhood obsession:
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Michael Johns
Song: Queen’s “We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions” (1978)
My grade: B+
With all these 80s babies tonight, Johns seems to be the John McCain of the evening, having been born in 1978 (ahhh, it was a very good year. Oh, maybe now’s not the time…!) I never needed to hear this (these) song (songs) again, two of the most overplayed anthems in all of classic rock, but talk about a beauty Queen! Mustering every ounce of his cut, Johns tore through these two with confidence and swagger, as if this were a make-it-or-break-it comeback (although I do agree with my friend Jim’s wish for a “WWRY”-less prologue). I didn’t mind the lost falsetto notes on the latter song, because even live, the late great Freddie Mercury couldn’t hit them. Tonight, I finally got Johns. Now if only I can have him…
Just for the hell of it and to remind everyone of Mercury’s (and Queen’s) genius, enjoy:
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Carly Smithson
Song: Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” (1983)
My grade: B+
Ahh, what teenage memories of the classic video to this song; I played it a thousand times on my old mono VCR after taping it off of Friday Night Videos (hey, I didn’t get cable – or MTV – until late 90s), immersing myself in its scoped, gothic homo-erotic visuals of barely-clad English prep boys wrestling and swimming, fencing and dancing – all in Bonnie Tyler’s dreamscape. It would permeate my imagination into overdrive. Ahhh…but, as per usual, I digress, I know. But I love me some Bonnie (I think I might have hinted at such over the past few weeks). This is the song I willed (unsuccessfully, I might add) Amanda to sing during 80s week. Carly did a sufficient enough job, though her vocals wobbled about a third in, and that last run was, well, uncalled for really. Overall I have to disagree with Simon – I think it was a good song choice, and she pulled it off. I mean, it’s not as if she were a drug-addled, drunken, porn wannabe…oh, wait, that would be this mess (song AND Idol):
And just to relive my teenage fantasies:
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David Archuleta
Song: David Foster with Jeff Pescetto’s “You’re The Voice” (1990)
My grade: C
Oh, lord, I was hoping Archuleta’s answer to Ryan’s prom question was going to be: “I’m taking David Hernandez!” What a true diva moment that would have been! And, oh, how I long for ol’ Liza Jr. to come back in all his/her jazz-handed, lip-smacking full throttle splendor! **Sigh** Unfortunately, we didn’t get anything that campy tonight - the vocals stank and he moved like the little retarded kid who dances down the street. The song itself was not only gross, but also a gross miscalculation. This is not to say that the little fetus wasn’t having fun (we weren’t, or at least I wasn’t - I mean, his mammoth fan base will vote like the mad little uber-sheep they are), and, I’m not suggesting Archu should be sent home for one solid bowel movement of a recital. But, first and foremost, David Foster is the anti-Christ of music. And secondly, it was his worst performance yet. We miss you, Liza! Come back to the five and dime, Liza Jr., Liza Jr.!!
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Kristy Lee Cook
Song: Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The U.S.A.” (1984)
My grade: D+
I never thought I’d say this, but what a brilliant move by this Red State hack – bottom 3 for weeks on end, she chooses a country song so simple in its melody even Corky can’t ruin it, and preaches patriotic swill in her last ditch efforts to stay in this competition another week. Well, Corky be damned, and the judges praise (shock?) notwithstanding – this was Red, White and BLEW. The song itself is a masterpiece of gunk and horseshit, made worse by Cook’s flag-waving and clangorous discordance that actually and ironically will save her from elimination. You see. I keep telling you people – and repeat after me – THERE IS NO GOD…THERE IS NO GOD… I’d rather wake up to a horse’s head in my bed than to ever experience something like this again.
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David Cook
Song: Chris Cornell’s version of Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” (1983)
My grade: A-
Not that I would have any iota of a belief that Simon or Randy ever even heard of Chris Cornell, but for weeks now David Cook has performed versions of already re-tread songs. He covered Doxology’s cover of “Eleanor Rigby”, to some extent Incubus’ cover of “Hello” and now Chris Cornell’s (my first true Rock ‘N Roll love, back when the majestic “Badmotorfinger” was released early 90s) cover of “Billie Jean”. Okay, I don’t discredit Cook this week, but you would think that someone would clue the judges in that, while David might be electrifying in his delivery, he’s hardly an “original”. But this was the best of Cook so far, and I can only hope it will get more exciting. And if Cook delivers people to the greatest male rock vocalist of the past 2 decades, then we all win.
Here’s the original cover version by Chris Cornell Christian…(ah, doesn't that have a lovely ring to it...?)...
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Clearly the David's were polar opposite - and, weirdly so were the Cook's. That two are the same one makes it even odder (*whew!*). Has Chikezie's time ran out, or will America send the COUNTry girl a-packin'? Will Jason Castro make it through on his weedly charm? Who cares...all I keep thinking about is...
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