American Idol Report Card

New Report Card Address

2008-04-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

Hey all - I moved my Report Card from blogspot to WordPress. It's been a much smoother place than all the crap that blogger gave me. So update your bookmarks:

http://americanidolreportcard.wordpress.com/

AI Report Card: Top 10 Results - Ain't Ezi Saying Goodbye to Chikezie

2008-03-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

Again, thank you for your patience – but now that I am a free man I’ll quickly rundown the elimination show – I know, so behind the times!

Anyway, the most blatant thing about Idol has always been it’s whoring out of the corporate sponsorship – this is not a revelation, I know. From the Ford commercials, which after all these years they were able to invent a clever, kinda hot one this week, to the shameless Coke cups that obscure half the judges’ torsos, to the giant Ford truck wheel that’s used as a table in the singers lounge during the Top 24. Well this week Idol has unabashedly, unequivocally become an hour-long Apple iTunes commercial. Oh, I know they’ve been hawking the iTunes MP3s for weeks, but we actually saw a true-to-life mini-infomercial. Ah, corporate prostitution…gotta love it.

That the classic Dolly Parton will be mentor next week fills me with joy, though it should prove fascinating; the theme – according to FOX - is not Country week but rather Dolly’s songbook. Now, I grew up Dolly, so it will be interesting to see which Idol chooses what. Hers is a colossal catalogue, filled with archetypal, ingenious songs, written that prove to be the essence of County Music history.

It thrills me…until I realize that thanks to America and its misguided patriotism, we’ll have to endure Kristy Lee Cook.

These group songs that have proven constant embarrassments for 7 seasons now get even more discomforting when you realize that not a single male Idol - with the exception of Chikezie - has any rhythm whatsoever. But it’s always fun to watch the ArchuD2 and Michael Hutchence Johns give it their best, unintentionally hilarious shots.

Chikezie in the bottom three was not unpredicted. No, his wasn’t even one of the 3 worst (that would be Kristy, Ramiele and Archu). But, as everyone knows – and let’s all say it together boys and girls – American Idol is NOT a singing contest – so, a goofy, talented, black man wasn’t going to make it far on a show with a predominantly lily-white, tween demographic (those are the facts, ma’am). But the fact that Syesha was there WAS a shock if only because hers was one of the better vocals of the evening. And, I am proud that America saw through the charade that is Jason Castro – hopefully, he’ll stop assuming that he’s a sure-bet and this gives him a kick in the ass. Not saying it will help him vocally, but there’s no harm in the attempt.

And, in lieu of Ramiele and Kristy, here’s how it went down.

And that’s a damned shame.

AI Report Card Top 10: I Love The 80s...

2008-03-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

…only, I think I did. Thankfully though, with this show, you don’t get the interminably unfunny “comedians” that VH1 like to whore out on every friggin’ countdown show. It could have been named as such because with the exception of Michael Johns and David Archuleta, every other kid is an 80s baby, the first 3 from 1987 alone.

Thanx for your patience with the lateness of the Report Card. When the government calls, who am I to say, “screw you!”? I only have one more day of Jury duty and then I’m free!!!

And, on with the show…

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Ramiele Malubay
Song: Heart’s “Alone” (1987)
My grade: C+

For weeks Ramiele’s advice from the judges was to pick a big song for that big voice. Well, this was a big something, alright. Simon was wrong – it WAS that bad. Performing it Jessica Simpson-style by cooing it like a seduction tactic, she then bolsters to a banshee-like wail while never hitting a single correct note, hurdling toward earth and crash landing in the middle of Area 51. This was dreadfully wrong, and even the back-up singers couldn’t save her (and I still swear it was they who saved Carrie’s from total catatonia).

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Jason Castro
Song: Sting’s “Fragile” (1987)
My grade: C+

Not sure just who is keeping this kid in the running, but methinks it could be the Cheech & Chong Fan Club. Not only does Castro always appear to be lit, but I though he was going to tip over the stage while Ryan was interviewing him. Maybe he was dozing after his own soporific performance, because I almost did. It’s easy to understand why Castro chose a Stink…uh, I mean Sting…song, especially one this lethargic (and Sting’s catalogue could help bankrupt Ny-quil); it’s because there’s no vocal skill required. Mimicking does fine, thank you, and Castro sat there strumming along as if he were at a beach blanket bingo.

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Syesha Mercado
Song” Stephanie Mills’ “If I Were Your Woman” (1987)
My grade: B+

That she’s a good singer is not really debatable. Her problems lie in her money shots – when she sails to a higher register, it’s not always so smoothly as she tends to falter off key. But in her middle and lower range, she sounds beautiful. While this was a stellar performance, as Randy stated, it wasn’t a Fantasia moment (I have a high Diva standard, sorry).

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Chikezie
Song: Luther Vandross’ “If Only For One Night” (1985)
My grade: B

As Whitney should be to aspiring female Idols, Luther must be off-limits to any male Idol wannabe not named Ruben. This is a glorious song, and I wanted this to be Chikezie’s equivalent to Elliott’s “A Song For You” because Chikezie is technically the best male vocalist of this season. Alas, while Chikezie tried his best, it still might not be good enough – a concurrent theme during his Idol stay. Or, maybe I’m just partial to this ultimate duet version…

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Brooke White
Song: The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” (1983)
My grade: B

I licked my lips (like Archu!) in anticipation when it was announced that she was going to take on the Police’s stalker anthem. I mean, she being the resident Crazy Lady I love, I was hoping for something foreboding, sorta like when Queen Kook Tori did this:

Instead, I was (mis?)treated with the Sunday schoolmarm-with-a-guitar (only this time, it was a piano) lullaby version, sucking all the darkness out of the lyrical content. The band chiming in at the midway point helped lose its promised luster. Still, I wouldn’t trade Brooke for all the pixie dust in Xanadu. I just hope, win or lose, someone picks this chick for the new millennium version of my childhood obsession:

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Michael Johns
Song: Queen’s “We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions” (1978)
My grade: B+

With all these 80s babies tonight, Johns seems to be the John McCain of the evening, having been born in 1978 (ahhh, it was a very good year. Oh, maybe now’s not the time…!) I never needed to hear this (these) song (songs) again, two of the most overplayed anthems in all of classic rock, but talk about a beauty Queen! Mustering every ounce of his cut, Johns tore through these two with confidence and swagger, as if this were a make-it-or-break-it comeback (although I do agree with my friend Jim’s wish for a “WWRY”-less prologue). I didn’t mind the lost falsetto notes on the latter song, because even live, the late great Freddie Mercury couldn’t hit them. Tonight, I finally got Johns. Now if only I can have him…

Just for the hell of it and to remind everyone of Mercury’s (and Queen’s) genius, enjoy:

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Carly Smithson
Song: Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” (1983)
My grade: B+

Ahh, what teenage memories of the classic video to this song; I played it a thousand times on my old mono VCR after taping it off of Friday Night Videos (hey, I didn’t get cable – or MTV – until late 90s), immersing myself in its scoped, gothic homo-erotic visuals of barely-clad English prep boys wrestling and swimming, fencing and dancing – all in Bonnie Tyler’s dreamscape. It would permeate my imagination into overdrive. Ahhh…but, as per usual, I digress, I know. But I love me some Bonnie (I think I might have hinted at such over the past few weeks). This is the song I willed (unsuccessfully, I might add) Amanda to sing during 80s week. Carly did a sufficient enough job, though her vocals wobbled about a third in, and that last run was, well, uncalled for really. Overall I have to disagree with Simon – I think it was a good song choice, and she pulled it off. I mean, it’s not as if she were a drug-addled, drunken, porn wannabe…oh, wait, that would be this mess (song AND Idol):

And just to relive my teenage fantasies:

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David Archuleta
Song: David Foster with Jeff Pescetto’s “You’re The Voice” (1990)
My grade: C

Oh, lord, I was hoping Archuleta’s answer to Ryan’s prom question was going to be: “I’m taking David Hernandez!” What a true diva moment that would have been! And, oh, how I long for ol’ Liza Jr. to come back in all his/her jazz-handed, lip-smacking full throttle splendor! **Sigh** Unfortunately, we didn’t get anything that campy tonight - the vocals stank and he moved like the little retarded kid who dances down the street. The song itself was not only gross, but also a gross miscalculation. This is not to say that the little fetus wasn’t having fun (we weren’t, or at least I wasn’t - I mean, his mammoth fan base will vote like the mad little uber-sheep they are), and, I’m not suggesting Archu should be sent home for one solid bowel movement of a recital. But, first and foremost, David Foster is the anti-Christ of music. And secondly, it was his worst performance yet. We miss you, Liza! Come back to the five and dime, Liza Jr., Liza Jr.!!

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Kristy Lee Cook
Song: Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The U.S.A.” (1984)
My grade: D+

I never thought I’d say this, but what a brilliant move by this Red State hack – bottom 3 for weeks on end, she chooses a country song so simple in its melody even Corky can’t ruin it, and preaches patriotic swill in her last ditch efforts to stay in this competition another week. Well, Corky be damned, and the judges praise (shock?) notwithstanding – this was Red, White and BLEW. The song itself is a masterpiece of gunk and horseshit, made worse by Cook’s flag-waving and clangorous discordance that actually and ironically will save her from elimination. You see. I keep telling you people – and repeat after me – THERE IS NO GOD…THERE IS NO GOD… I’d rather wake up to a horse’s head in my bed than to ever experience something like this again.

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David Cook
Song: Chris Cornell’s version of Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” (1983)
My grade: A-

Not that I would have any iota of a belief that Simon or Randy ever even heard of Chris Cornell, but for weeks now David Cook has performed versions of already re-tread songs. He covered Doxology’s cover of “Eleanor Rigby”, to some extent Incubus’ cover of “Hello” and now Chris Cornell’s (my first true Rock ‘N Roll love, back when the majestic “Badmotorfinger” was released early 90s) cover of “Billie Jean”. Okay, I don’t discredit Cook this week, but you would think that someone would clue the judges in that, while David might be electrifying in his delivery, he’s hardly an “original”. But this was the best of Cook so far, and I can only hope it will get more exciting. And if Cook delivers people to the greatest male rock vocalist of the past 2 decades, then we all win.

Here’s the original cover version by Chris Cornell Christian…(ah, doesn't that have a lovely ring to it...?)...

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Clearly the David's were polar opposite - and, weirdly so were the Cook's. That two are the same one makes it even odder (*whew!*). Has Chikezie's time ran out, or will America send the COUNTry girl a-packin'? Will Jason Castro make it through on his weedly charm? Who cares...all I keep thinking about is...

AI Report Card Top 10...

2008-03-26T04:02:00.000-07:00

A few tragedies prevent me from posting (so far).

First, one of my external hard-drives (where a lot of my life is stored) fell ill and is in critical condition. Hopefully, the outlook will be brighter. If not, there most certainly will be a long period of mourning.

Secondly, I start Jury Duty today, so it was early to bed, early to rise. As anyone who has experienced such knows what a monumental bore that can be, I’ll try to utilize my time sitting there hour upon hour writing random thoughts about what I witnessed during the Top 10. And, no, I do NOT own a lap top, so while the courthouse is wired for wireless, I am not and must depend on the ol’ pen and pad.

When I get home from court, I’ll quickly post my random thoughts about last night’s performance show.

Will the “Wild Card” Be Resurrected?

2008-03-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

Here’s one article that assumes as much:

http://www.realitytvmagazine.com/blog/2008/03/21/is-american-idol-wildcard-show-in-the-works/

AI RC Top 11 Results: Carry On, Our Wayward Nurse

2008-03-19T23:08:00.000-07:00

As if Paul McCartney losing $50 million to that one-legged bandit was wasn't enough for him to endure, he and us were bequeathed another week of Beatlemania. I’m sure he would agree with me that this was a week we’re all relieved is history – not historic. Overall, “Beatles Week II” proved to be the antithesis of the “Lennon/McCartney” week last Tuesday, which actually wouldn’t make this “Beatles Week II” after all, maybe…although no one explained the reasoning behind Ryan’s differentiating the two. I’m confused too. But I’m just thrilled that these two “Beatles/Lennon/McCartney” weeks didn’t provoke anyone into a Ringo Starr imbroglio.

There will be a mere 4 mentors this season: the great Dolly Parton, the revolting Mariah Carey, Broadway Knight Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber and King Of Schmalt himself, Neil Diamond (Rob loves him some Neil Diamond – and I am guilty as charged too). Is a medley from “The Jazz Singer” too much to hope for?

The obligatory Beatles medley was odder yet…

…from David Archuleta’s glassy-eyed soporifics (not a single lip-lick!) and Chikezie’s bleating - which led to Michael John’s 5-word caterwaul - during “My Guitar Gently Weeps”, to the blasphemous rendition of ‘Here, There, Everywhere”, where Brooke nearly trespassed into Kristyville, Ramiele’s mike conked out (or was she just inaudibly mewing again?) and Kristy actually – sorta – sang in tune. The only thing more peculiar was the chorus of “Because” (are these kids tripping too?).

And if destroying the Beatles/Lennon/McCartney songbook wasn’t enough, they had to annihilate a great Clash song too by utilizing “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” in another interminable Ford commercial. Weekly, the result of this constant prostitution ring seems more Langley School-kids-as-Thalidomide-babies than anything resembling gossamer tones.

I’ll also save my ranting on the stupid waste of time that is the live phone-in questions. And, I think after my post yesterday, we all know how despised the mosh pit is.

And Kellie Picker's CD went Gold. Take that Taylor Hicks.

Tonight’s only real saving grace was seeing two of Idol’s finest. To hear the great Fantasia sing even a few lines of “Amazing Grace” could easily erase those painful Tuesday night blues. And Should-Have-Won-Season-Five 3rd place finisher, Elliott Yamin, produced a torrent of tears from Rob as Yamin himself wept when learning that the newborn baby was being named after him.

Carly’s stumble into the bottom three produced audible gasps in my household – not necessarily because Rob and I are Carly fans. We judge everyone on an individual basis, and don’t partake in the histrionics of the uber-fanatics. We just both thought she was excellent on Tuesday. It’s worth pondering if America agreed with Simon’s belief that it was a silly song choice, or if the back and forth bantering confused the viewers. Or perhaps, it was because Carly’s absurd explanation that “I’ve been trying…we’ve ALL been trying…to break this industry for so long...yada yada yada…you get beaten down yada yada yada.” Well, as sincere as that might have been, we all know Carly’s had copious attempts at stardom and just failed to capture America’s hearts. And the monumental conflict of interest (I MIGHT have previously mentioned - and linked to stories that - Carly was signed to MCA records during the same time period that Randy Jackson was the senior vice president of A&R) means nothing to Nigel Lythgoe or the AI PTB.

Amanda and Kristy were expected. Cook is just plain awful and makes a weekly trip to the B3, and people were either tiring of the one-note Overmeyer shtick, or resented her nonchalant attitude regarding selling a few concert tickets VS arenas. Don't screw with the emotions of the millions of Idol zealots, you Idol contestants - they are fragile little souls!!!!

Here’s what your result is America:

Another week of Kristy friggin’ Cook. Thanx a lot.

Admit it -and, just for the hell of it - didn't ya miss him even a little?

AI Report Card: Top 11 - A Second Beatles Night Needs "Help!"

2008-03-19T13:51:00.000-07:00

I’ll narrow the commentary down - for now - to one sentence:

THE MOSH PIT MUST DIE.

Anyway…

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Amanda Overmeyer
Song: Back In The U.S.S.R.
My grade: C+

Are we over Overmeyer yet? While this wasn't as tragic as her Kansas number from a few weeks ago, she proceeded to belch and wheeze this silly Beatles tune like a George Romero zombie drunk on over-the-counter formaldehyde. We understand that she wants to “rock” and that “ballads are boring”, but her inherent yearn to want to sell tickets heralded Simon’s best quip yet: “Amanda, your tickets aren’t on sale yet.” Amen. It’s like the falling of a friend. If your friend were Lily Munster.

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Kristy Lee Cook
Song: You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away
My grade: D+

Telling Simon that “you know I can blow you out of your socks”, we finally have our Kristy “A-HA!” moment (thanx Oprah); I guess “blowing” is the next best thing because there’s no one better this season at “sucking”. Choosing this great tune because “it had a good title”, Cook warbles it like Kathy Lee Gifford doing a New Age tampon commercial, only Gifford would actually have faith in what she’s singing. And she’d (probably) stay in tune with her tongue in her cheek. Kristy is so catatonic, so tuneless, so dim-witted, she makes Kellie Pickler appear like the second coming of Tammy Wynette. With nary another country singer in an Alabama mile, Red State USA will probably continue the speed dialing, keeping her safe another week. I don’t know. But if there were any justice in this land of ours, the forces of nature would send her C&W dreams to the glue factory along with that damned horse she keeps prostituting.

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David Archuleta
Song: The Long And Winding Road
My grade: B+

I know it shouldn’t matter because every Idol has their infirmities when performing and/or being interviewed. But I find myself distracted by David’s ceaseless lip-licking to the point that I inadvertently start counting them – I stopped at five this week - and had to rewind the DVR and re-watch his performance, sans tongue.
Needing to fortify his past declarations, Simon used the most inaccurate phrase in his feedback to – he called it a “master class”. Those Brits and their hyperbole! This wasn’t even Archuleta’s best, let alone a masterful interpretation. As David dropped to head register and dipped to the low notes, he seemed to lose them. That type of imperfection worked on “Imagine” because his emotive power negated that flaw and morphed them into a thing of beauty. Also, here, he needlessly trilled when it wasn’t necessary. That being said, overall it was a convincing, finely nuanced performance, with Archuleta clearly rescuing himself from the travesty that was last week. So, let the popularity contest continue.

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Michael Johns
Song: A Day In The Life
My grade: C+

When will these amateurs learn that American Idol ain’t America’s Top 40 and Ryan Seacrest is no Casey Kasem (shit, he ain’t even Jean Kasem). They need to STOP treating the stage like it were their turf and suspend the dedications…I really don’t care if “A Day In The Life” was a dead friend’s favorite song or blah blah blah – save it for his friggin’ memorial service. On this stage, you need to pick a song to showcase your gifts. Hmmm, actually, if I applied this wisdom toward Johns, he wouldn’t be on this stage; he’d be costarring in the musical version of “Powertool”. This was an absurd, tuneless cut and paste con job that his gorgeousness might not be able to save – giving the Labia Nation a urinary tract infection (maybe THAT explains Paula’s hilariously inept earplug gibberish ranting). Will he land in the bottom realm? Hell, David + Bottom Anything = Fine By Me. But for Idol, a deserved bottom three. We’ll see.

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Brooke White
Song: Here Comes The Sun
My grade: B-

Woo hoo! No, that’s not me imitating Brook’s weird outburst during her tepid interpretation of this George Harrison masterpiece. That was me thanking the Idol heavens that the Crazy Lady I’ve longed for since the auditions and Hollywood rounds has seemingly resurfaced! That kooky overlapping yapping while the judges were talking to her, her spastic, mooncalf explanation and apology to the audience, her shaky-at-best little-girl-lost look when singing sans instrument, the rainbows and unicorns and pixie dust fairies!!! Okay, so I made that last part up, but, come on. You know it’s not that far off. Welcome back, Crazy Lady!

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David Cook
Song: Day Tripper
My grade: B

Reveling in Simon’s assertion that he might actually win the damn thing after last week’s Beatlemania, David feels too comfortable swerving toward a Chris Daughtry hierarchy he’s not close to ascending, especially since there hasn’t been too much diversity in his brief Idol run. But my fault isn’t with that “smugness”; who knows, it might be inherent. We know there isn’t a hint of modesty in Daughtry’s chrome dome. My main problem with Cook is that he infers his emotion by the constant need to shout, as if all Rock N Roll dreams are acquired by such. Where his “Hello” displayed a control he hasn’t since mastered, his “Day Tripper” had all the Rock star posturing of a cheesy Vh1 Classic Metal Mania weekend. Yet, it was one of the better vocals of the evening only because he didn’t veer off key and remained faithful to his beliefs - even if they were someone else’s beliefs. Yes, that’s a sure-to-be-damage-controlled controversy a-percolatin’.

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Carly Smithson
Song: Blackbird
My grade: A-

My friend Jim smacked this as cabaret (hilariously, but nevertheless); Simon shrugged it as a silly little song about a blackbird. I was kinda surprised at both these reactions because I thought Carly gave THE vocal of the evening, taking a beautifully simplistic Paul McCartney melody and restrained herself from total aggrandizement; when she did let go of that reservation, it only reflected the ethereal nature of the song and her voice. It was less Andrea Marcovicci and the Algonquin and more how I really feel that Smithson’s Idol Ann Wilson might have handled it. To me, one of the finest of this season so far. I know, I’m shocked too, being a Carly/Randy critic!

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Jason Castro
Song: Michelle
My grade: C+

‘Dread’-fully dull. David may be pretty as punch, but he lacks punch and power in his actual vocal skill, relying heavily on his goofy charm. And, obviously, stoner mentality; that whole “I thought ‘my belle’ was English, my bell, huh huh!” was a little too Jeff Spicolli for my taste; the French, a little bit too Inspector Clouseau; his pants a little too – okay, WAY too – tight (maybe he couldn’t breath?)…

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Syesha Mercado
Song: Yesterday
My grade: B+

Just when I thought that I never wanted to hear the most recorded song in history again after this nightmare, Syesha gives the second best vocal of the evening. Like Carly earlier, Mercado only inflected when necessary, and while it perhaps might have beeb a tad to self-consciously performed she never stooped to showcase diva-isms. No, there isn’t a chance of her winning this thing, but it makes a nice Cinderella story. And so does….

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Chikezie
Song: I’ve Just Seen A Face
My grade: B-

Eesh, that was weird – a half a mess. Vocally, Chikezie could out-sing most of the guys this season (with the exception of ArchuD2) but his problem has always been his evanescence; once he sings you struggle to remember just what it was he did. But last week his joviality juxtaposed with his talent and a new man was born. However xeroxing that performance is like déjà vu, and shouldn’t be replicated – that displays laziness. A little of that early-season arrogance momentarily reared its ugly head again during his critique, and that harmonica only resurrected nightmares of Taylor Hicks. Still, he deserves to actually be here, but I’m not sure what AmeriKKKa has in store. Hell, good or bad, at least he’s entertaining.

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Ramiele Malubay
Song: I Should Have Known Better
My grade: C+

She’d be one of the finest singers – if this were season 3. Unfortunately, Ramiele has proven nothing at all week after week, mewing one wobbly song after another, displaying none of her intrinsic capability. Only the possibility of a McPhee/”Over The Rainbow”-like save, I can’t imagine her lasting through next week. If she makes it past this week. Too bad, too.

Another Gay Idol Bites The Dust

2008-03-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

Elimination Night proved not so shocking. The only scandalous and outrageous occurrence was Paula’s absurd remark that “I’ve never seen a stronger bottom three. Really.” “Really”? REALLY, Paula?! I guess the Jesus Juice she’s been gulping from her strategically placed Coca Cola cup has fogged the memory cards in her brain, or she’s just stupid enough to recall the still-biggest debacle in Idol’s history, the legendary bottom three that was Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson and LaToya London, which resulted in Hudson’s ouster.

But I digress (painfully), so I’ll move along.

More insulting was Idol incorporating “A Day In The Life” lyrically to the contestants’ pimping the latest Fox release, the remake of “Horton Hears A Who”. Sample juxtapositions, and I kid you not: “I saw a film today, oh boy” (pan to the banner that reads the film’s title); “I saw a photograph” (cut to photo shoot); “…a crowd of people…” (just guess). Not exactly what Lennon had in mind, I’m sure.

Even more thrilling is that Idol hasn't prostituted the Beatles totally yet! Next week it's another week of "Lennon/McCartney"! Oh, joy.

Packing a five-minute segment into 60 minutes of filler is Idol’s specialty. We got the usual group number, another tribute to the Beatles which sounded more like the High School Musical version of Beatlemania (or “Across The Universe”, same difference). We had the obligatory guest singer – the anti-Christ of the music biz himself, David Foster, accompanying Season 5’s 2nd rate…I mean, 2nd place runner-up Katharine McPhee, warbling George Harrison’s masterpiece “Something” into a sexual innuendo (you’d think after a few years, McPhee would have taken diction lessons). Also, the first of countless Ford commercials, with Campaign ’08 as the theme (Look how cute! They’re all holding “Vote For Me” poster boards!). And of course, stretching out the bottom 3 results to an annoying degree.

Hernandez’ ouster was not so surprising. I said as much yesterday, although I was certain that the public would forget Syesha and cast their votes elsewhere. That almost happened. But I surmise we’ll never really know why there was a lack of votes for David. Was it the gay stripper scenario? Was Idol too, too gay this year for even the most open-minded viewers (well, this season’s most popular Idol is gay too; I just don’t think his fans know, or want to know). Was it merely the fact that his performance was awful enough?

I believe it was a mixture of all these things. And Idol is weaker for it. Personally, I can't wait for Archu-D2 on Broadway Show Tunes night!

Hey, a fag can dream, can't he?

American Idol's Top 12 - The Lennon/McCartney Songbook

2008-03-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons to deplore American Idol, and there have been for years – Randy’s feeble Ebonics, Paula’s resurrection as celebrity (although that’s an almost surreal entertainment), and of course Ryan Seacrest. Plus there are hundreds of not-so-behind-the-scenes debacles enough to fill a marathon on E!

Such are Idol’s quibbles we’ve all had to deal with for 7 seasons. Yet still we watch in abstract awe, loathing what we see yet never being able to halt our obsession.

This season alone there have been controversies. The whole Carly Smithson lie (more here) makes me almost negate her weekly; I feel guilty writing about her performances, as she actually WAS a professional. Then, of course, there’s David Hernandez. And the biggest curio is David Archuleta’s extraordinary, seemingly unstoppable fan base. Of that his father might be a real prick.

Did I mention I resent Ryan Seacrest’s fame and fortune? The only thing I hate more about Idol is the new mosh pit – what is it with every awards show and the incessant MTV-like need to employ a group of screaming, clueless kids to applaud and screech and boo the judges ad nauseum? It works for MTVs VMAs – it’s just stupid at the Grammy’s and more pathetic on Idol.

This week’s Lennon/McCartney “songbook” was a farce too because the group had a list of only 25 tunes from the massive catalogue. That’s either playing it safe, or perchance the powers that be feared another Beatles medley fiasco, which previously included Taylor Hicks massacring “A Day in the Life” as if he were Mark David Chapman out for Yoko.

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Syesha Mercado
Song: Got To Get You Into My Life
My grade: B

Too forgettable to loathe, too boring to love, Syesha suffers the Brandon Rogers curse – a decent, unremarkable singer who’s misfortune it is to be the Top 12’s 1st performer. Unlike Rogers (and Archuleta, but more on that later), she didn’t flub her lyrics, but it was her Lite-FM take on it that may prove her doom, even though she wasn’t even one of the night’s 5 worst. And her almost weekly declaration of her “acting” career/accomplishment/blah blah is a turn off.

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Chikezie
Song: She’s A Woman
My grade: B+

“Brother Where Art Thou?” More like brother, thou art loosed! Like Cuba Gooding accepting his Oscar, Chikezie acknowledged the judges’ unanimous hosannas by using the stage as his trampoline, at Seacrest’s bamboozling push. And good for him – he took this obscure (to non-Beatles fans) Beatles tune and performed part country jug, part manic depressive, wholly jubilant. It was both exhilarating and a muddle, and who knew that a piercing, off-kilter falsetto shout could be so entertaining? What could have turned into Taylor Hicksian territory resulted in, all at once, the debunking of my prediction of a short Chikezie season. He made me forget that he actually admitted “feeling people up” at his LAX Security job.

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Ramiele Malubay
Song: In My Life
My grade: C+

What a shame that this competent singer won’t (can’t?) eschew her diffidence and her Mariah Carey-isms, because I think – and I could be wrong – that somewhere in that wee body of hers is a powerful voice. Her tones are pretty enough, but after the soporific mewing tonight, I’m not sure she’s long for this Idol world. One of her personal idols is season 3’s execrable Jasmine Trias, a bleeding scar in all Idol-wood who coasted along on the clueless votes of the Hawaiian Islands and the Filipino voting block. Malubay is Aretha Franklin by comparison, but with this, her fourth feeble performance in as many weeks, she might have to rely on that comparative fan base to carry her along as the stocks of Ambien are crashing down on Wall Street.

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Jason Castro
Song: If I Fell
My grade: B

His weakness is that he’s interchangeable from one week to the next. His strength is that he’s a capable, safe, assured and not untalented. The result is a dichotomy as disparate as that, and you can log onto YouTube and see just as much a million times over, only this kid’s here. Because he’s an Idol anomaly (albeit a positive anomaly), he ain’t goin’ nowhere.

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Carly Smithson
Song: Come Together
My grade: B+

Moving forward as the weeks dwindle, I’ll have to let go the Carly history and be content with her place here (even as Simon commits another Jeffrey Idol sin by dropping the ‘K’, as in Kelly, bomb). So, that being said, Carly took one of the stupidest, more nonsensical, indecipherable – and unquestionably awesome – Beatles songs and killed it, creating a sexy and sinewy showcase that defined why she’s here to begin with. I mean, ya know, despite, well, you know.

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David Cook
Song: Eleanor Rigby
My grade: B

It was nice to hear Simon say something I’ve been decrying for years – lest any fool believe otherwise, AI is a popularity contest, and, while I’ll agree with him there, I won’t be silly enough to suggest that this welfare-Daughtry should win this year. But, he could. I can see the Daughtry fans that were so flummoxed and distraught at his early ouster 2 years ago (even though he got the last laugh) spitefully (or almost nostalgically) vote Cook to the upper echelons toward victory. That is, unless those said fans grew up. Going into tonight’s performance, David said, “a B+ effort isn’t going to cut it”. Alas, it will have to do. The first half of the song was off kilter, and he didn’t kick ass until the final refrain, where he nailed it like a pro with his Roger Daltrey wail.

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Brooke White
Song: Let It Be
My grade: A-

I’m not one who swims with delight in the pools of someone else’s misfortunes or craziness, but I’m guilty as charged about wanting White to be the hot mess the preliminary rounds promised - her tears, her pacing, her nerves and the fact that she’s never seen an R-rated movie invoked in me an evil Jeffrey I try not to succumb to. But all I’ve been witness to weekly is an oddly beautiful, kooky yet genteel Earth mother whose vulnerability is her greatest strength of empowerment. Sure, her “Let It Be” wasn’t perfect (shit, Paul himself can’t even pull that one off nowadays). But it was ethereal in its simplicity – and that catch in her voice gets me all the time.

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David Hernandez
Song: I Saw Her (hahahaha) Standing There
My grade: C-

His stripper-amnesia aside (I don’t even want to think about the secret ingredient of the cheese in the Pizza Bistro), did Hernandez really think this poppy, fluffy Beatles song would showcase his grandiose voice? No, but I doubt he cared. I think with the gay revelations of the past few weeks, he wanted to negate that image from the minds of America, and figured the best way to do that was to choose a song with a feminine pronoun. But did he really think his fan base was phenomenal enough to overlook the vocals and run toward the phone lines when said vocals were as ridiculously pretentious and over-the-top as his, even if they brought the charade? Who does he think he is, Clay Aiken?
But to rewind to the whole Pizza Bistro scenario – not only was that foolish of him because we’ve all seen this…

..this…

..and, most delisiously, this…

…but it’s a slap in the face of his fans who now think he’s a big, fat liar. I smell bottom (no pun intended) three, if not ejaculation…uh, I mean, elimination.

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Amanda Overmeyer
Song: You Can’t Do That
My grade: B

I loved Amanda from the first audition – something about a husky growl in a woman that gets this gay guy all riled up – but whenever I watch Amanda perform, it doesn’t help that all I can think of is that she’s be a perfect candidate for a musical version of “Exit To Eden”:

Sorry, Charles made me do that. Anyway, I give her props for knowing exactly what she wants to be and knows who she is. I’m just not sure how soon viewers will tire of her styling. I say that line of thinking be damned…if they didn’t tire of Carrie Deadwood’s cyborg performances on a weekly basis like I did, then they should open their minds and sit back and enjoy the whirlwind. Just, not tonight. While I wasn’t totally vibing on the mush mouth delivery, VFTW notwithstanding, I for one can’t wait to see what this wacky biker babe has in store. Upped a notch for her Sapphic refusal to switch pronouns.

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Michael Johns
Song: Across The Universe
My grade: B+

For weeks I’ve complained that Johns’ inherent hotness is keeping in this competition; his vocals were karaoke at best, Carnival Cruise line at worst. But, damn if he isn’t the sexiest Idol contestant in all 7 seasons. Well, tonight I need to give him his due – Randy and Simon were completely wrong in their assertion that Johns should have switched it up. It’s “Across The Universe”, for chrissakes, and any diversion from its intricate melody would have proven ugly. For once, Johns proved me wrong. His vocals were thankfully more restrained than usual, as he connected to the song on a visceral level. Paula made the most sense (!!!!!) when she said that David perused a quiet confidence. I would have upped the grade if he were shirtless.

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Kristy Lee Cook
Eight Days A Week
My grade: E+

It was like listening to a Kellie Pickler 45 on 78, while Hee Haw played on the television in the next room. Nuff said.

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David Archuleta
Song: We Can Work It Out
My grade: D+

Wow – this might be the harshest, most painful fall from grace in Idol’s history. Theories abound as to just what happened, as Archuleta’s fans have come out in full force in his defense, ranging from strep throat to his intentionally flubbing his performance to more humanize him. Whatever.
Me, I think it was just a horror show.
It wasn’t even dreadfully entertaining on a Chris Richardson or Ace Young level – it was embarrassing, awkward, cringe-inducing – so much so that I actually felt pity on his young, fragile little heart. But I can’t excuse it. How does someone who’s performed most of his life on a stage fall to pieces so fiercely? Well, for starters, he shouldn’t attempt Stevie Wonder. If the Idol’s black brothers falter, what makes this lily-white Mormon think he possesses enough soul to pull off Wonder’s exceptional version? You may think you’re that good, but trust me, you ain’t.
Weekly, Archuleta has chosen songs that he’s previously sung on some sort of stage or another. Obviously, this one was lost on him.
And, extra boos and hisses to the judges for going easy on his flubbing the lyrics; usually their biggest complaint, they barely mention it here.

So there you have it. If we picked the bottom three based on tonight’s showcase, then it would have to be, in order of terribleness:

1 Kristy Lee Cook
2 David Archuleta
3 David Hernandez

But that ain’t gonna happen. No, I expect Syesha to make it to the bottom and to leave us, while Archuleta’s receives the most votes in history. Kristy has the Red State vote, as there isn’t another country singer this season, though she’ll definitely land in the bottom three. And there’s no doubt Hernandez belongs there. But, should he be eliminated, I hope he jumps on the judges table and sends us off with a most delectable strip tease. Just to remind you:

The LA Times Quoted Me...

2008-03-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

…but instead of quoting me by name, they called me "an MTV blogger". Humph!

But, they got it mixed up – while I did at one point question David's incessant “aw-shucks, who me?” persona, my ‘Archu-D2’ reference was describing David-as-unstoppable-little-machine. Not his aforementioned curious modesty. Someone's about to write the editor...

http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/tv/la-et-channel10mar10,0,7343808.story

American Idol Report Card - Top 8 Girls

2008-03-06T02:30:00.000-08:00

My last for Mtv.com - THANX JIM!!!!! Moving forward I'll resume my Report Card grading system.

www.mtv.com/news/articles/1582864/20080306/index.jhtml

American Idol Report Card - Top 8 Boys-To-Men

2008-03-05T03:00:00.000-08:00

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1582786/20080305/index.jhtml

American Idol Report Card - Top 10 Girls

2008-02-28T02:55:00.000-08:00

It was like watching Krakatau exploding in the distance...

www.mtv.com/news/articles/1582454/20080228/index.jhtml

American Idol Report Card - Top 10 Guys

2008-02-27T02:50:00.000-08:00

Hey all…our friend, Idol guru Jim Cantiello, is on heavy-duty duty these next two weeks so he and his team at Mtv.com have passed the reigns of recapping American Idol onto me. It’s a pleasure and an honor to bestow upon me such a high regard.

Don't stress, though - I know you'll miss Jim's rapier wit, pitch-perfect pop-culturisms (ooh, a new word hybrid) and all around brilliance, but he'll be back in 2 weeks to do do that voodoo that he do so well. But I do hope you enjoy my take on it – it’s pretty much my Report Card, only with no grading system.

So, enjoy this brief Jim reprieve, and allow me to recap an already-dreary season of AmeriGAY Idol…I’m sorry, American Idol…yeah…that’s it…

Click on the link below for further details…

www.mtv.com/news/articles/1582373/20080227/id_0.jhtml

This Is...AmeriGAY IDOL!!!!

2008-02-19T23:10:00.000-08:00

I know I usually start my Report Card with the onslaught of the top 12 overall, and not with the Top 12 Guys/Top 12 Girls. I decided to jump right in a little early with a brief grading because this night was too unbearable to believe - not even sure if I'll be doing so again until the final Top 12. So, with minor commentary - not my usual elongations, here’s how it went down...

Welcome to AmeriGAY Idol! The gayest season since the inaugural, where I count 4 sisters who were doing it for themselves!!!! And I won’t discount 2 others, wedding rings, huge-headed sons, or not.

Wow, did this show suck. I know, I know…I shouldn’t let semantics get in the way (a few of these guys actually DO suck, if you know what I mean). There I go again…letting my lowbrow humor get the best of me.

But can you sincerely blame me? What the hell else am I supposed to say? Considering the audition phase and the Hollywood rounds insinuated that this year it was a guy’s game to lose. If the Top 12 male performances are indicative of the rest of the season, I say let’s crown David Archuleta now and be done with it. And not because he’s any good…it’s because I can’t remember when someone’s been so uber-pimped this early in the season.

One was good (Jason Castro), one was passable (Michael Johns), one wasn’t as awful as Simon defined him (Colton Bery). But overall, this evening actually made me yearn for Josiah Leming. And THAT'S scary!

And away we go...

David Hernandez
‘Midnight Hour’
My grade: C
I assume his métier will be to start every song in a meandering decrescendo, then instantly snap into the upbeat. He did it in Hollywood, he’s doing it here. Either way, all I could think of was ‘The Commitments On Ice!’

Chikezie
‘More Today Than Yesterday’
My grade: B-
When he started, I swore he was singing the theme to ‘The Love Boat’ when Rob turned to me while doing the dishes and asked, “Is he singing the theme to ‘The Love Boat’?” Ah, I guess that’s why we’re together. His arrogance this early is a sure-fire ouster. And if you want to shorten your moniker, you better have the musical balls. You ain't Fantasia. Hell, you ain't even Cher.

David Cook
‘Happy Together’
My grade: B-
He’s gained about 15lbs since Hollywood week, which is not a bad thing in my opinion, but how soon before Simon harps on that? Too much Constantine-smarm and faux-rock machinations for me to enjoy. Oh, and balding men should never flat-iron their hair into a comb-over.

Jason Yeager
‘Moon River’
My grade: C-
Dreary, meandering, and possibly worse than Anwar Robinson’s version back in season 3. Okay, maybe not that bad, but this religious freak would make Pat Boone proud. And that’s not really a compliment. Oh, yeah - keep the kid at home. He's scaring away the viewers.

Robbie Carrico
‘One (Is The Loneliest Number)’
My grade: C+
I’ll turn to Rob for this one: “He stinks!”

David Archuleta
‘Shop Around’
My grade: C-
The pimping aside, Liza Jr. was tuneless and monotonous, but he has such an air of sweetness and inherent, genuine modesty and he’s so damned irresistible and sweet natured and bubbly that you can almost forgive his lack of vocal capacity. Almost. Actually, he's kinda creepy, really. But if you listened to this on a radio contest, without the visual, you’d all heave in horror.

Danny Noriega
‘Hound Dog’
My grade: C
Credit his not cowering in the closet, sure. But, one more performance like this and he could be this season’s Sanjaya (albeit one who could sing). That’s if he even gets another shot.

Luke Mednard
‘Everybody’s Talking’
My grade: B-
ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Colton Berry
‘Suspicious Minds’
My grade: B-
Not very good, but not as bad as most of the others this evening. It shocks me that Simon heaps incessant praise on David but faults Colton’s theatrics.

Garrett Haley
‘Breaking Up Is Hard To Do’
My grade: D
To have made it to the Top 24, Haley must have been astonishing…I wouldn’t know, since we’ve never seen him. And after this performance, I surmise I’ll not be seeing him again.

Jason Castro
‘What A Day For A Daydream’
My grade: B+
A pleasant surprise from this John Travolta look-alike; nothing groundbreaking or revelatory, but a polished performance.

Michael Johns
‘Light My Fire’
My grade: B
This handsome, sexy Australian will sail into the Top 12 on his looks and karaoke antics. He’s not necessarily a good singer, but he’s passable enough to make the ladies swoon and the gay men reach for their phones.

So there ya have it. Not really sure if it's wise to pre-judge this early in the competition...who knows...perhaps Archuleta Minnelli will surprise me in the coming weeks (he's yet to impress me). Perchance David Cook will prove more than a welfare Daughtry, who was a caricature unto himself. Maybe even Michael Johns will prove more than a glorified singing waiter. Only time will tell...

Yahoo AI Report Card

2008-01-24T10:26:00.000-08:00

Well, due to pending layoffs at Yahoo!, they won't be needing my freelance services as the official Idol blogger this year. Simply not in the budget. So, since I've been writing it for a few years now, in some form or another, I didn't want to leave my fans out in the lurch. I'll post my Report Card here, as a way to share with the world.